Ayliffe: "Luke it is not acceptable to show up 2 hours late every day!"
Myself: "Miss it's not acceptable to peel your clothes off a dead fucking clown every day!"
Well my flock; yes you are now all sheep if you don't like it...do one you little prick :), this is indeed the first blog spawn of the splendid mind of one of my readers, a bearded fellow named Maxwell...Jordan Peter Mary Christmas Maxwell to be precise.
Born in Checkslovakia to a Swedish gnome and an Icelandic fish-monger; she knows fuck all but we humour her all the same.
And Jordan's choice of topic is: Anal Retentiveness
No only joking...we'll save that one for a rainy day (Y)
The real topic is EASTHAMPSTEAD CUNT SIXTH FORM; governed by the head cunt herself, filled with the cuntiest cunt cunt's you'll ever meet in your cunting life.
For the people that don't like that word I do apologise...please feel free to fuck off in future.
Now the worst that could happen (apart from a ball renching, penis shrivelling STD) is that Ayliffe stumbles across this page (in which case...Hi...you fucking piss-stained swine!) and proceeds court action...pfttt!
I will persist to call you a cunt no more; you lack the depth and warmth of one of those!
Every encounter I fail to see your purpose in life. I must however say that you emulate the persona of a slinky up most perfectly...you serve little or no purpose, useful for fuck-all...but I can't help but share a cynical smile when I push you down the stairs! :)
Those wanks who call themselves teachers aren't all that swanky either! They treat you like a kid all fucking day then you ask them to shake your cock for you after you've had a piss and they become all melodramatic!
For today I’ve had enough; I think I’ve composed more than enough to warrant several lawsuits on top of the one I received today for GB-fucking-H!
I was only standing at the cash machine when an old decrepit lady came up to me and asked if I could check her balance...so I pushed her over?
What was I supposed to fucking do!?
Thursday, 5 March 2009
Unacceptable bollocks!
Wednesday, 4 March 2009
Rack your brain!
Once again I welcome your seldom self into the world of incessant profanities, overuse of generously proportioned words and the occasional reference to incidence's involving indecent exposure and a bingo hall full of old ladies.
This is, if I am correct [and you know I am], my third post of the new launch. And despite the incessant profanities, overuse of generously proportioned words and the occasional reference to incidence's involving indecent exposure and a bingo hall full of old ladies...topics are running dryer than the vagina of a 90 year old!
Therefore I look to you! My beautiful beautiful readers to remove your hand from your underwear and produce to me an assemblage of subjects, topics or even people you wish for me to write about.
Please be warned when asking me to write about people- I do like to get to know the before I write about them so all requests for me to write about your Nan will be welcomed with a tube of KY jelly at your own risk!
All I require of your humble self is to leave a comment on any of the blogs, email me, write to me, text me, stand outside my house in a stalker-esque manner fashioning a sign. Inspire me with your originality and it shall be done young one!
Finally I understand the only people reading this are often referred to as the skid-marks on the underwear of society however I would just like to say I love you all the same! And I would like to clear something up:
By reading my less than colloquial constructions you could have somewhat of a vivid image of myself. I would like to re-illiterate, despite my continual reference to old people in a sexual way- I...in no way...find old people sexually alluring!
I only say this because I am harbouring subsequent guilt from picking on the grannies and g-diddys of this wonderful country. A pensioner dropped dead in front of me in Tesco’s today...
I felt so sorry for them. They had just bought a Bag for Life!!
This is, if I am correct [and you know I am], my third post of the new launch. And despite the incessant profanities, overuse of generously proportioned words and the occasional reference to incidence's involving indecent exposure and a bingo hall full of old ladies...topics are running dryer than the vagina of a 90 year old!
Therefore I look to you! My beautiful beautiful readers to remove your hand from your underwear and produce to me an assemblage of subjects, topics or even people you wish for me to write about.
Please be warned when asking me to write about people- I do like to get to know the before I write about them so all requests for me to write about your Nan will be welcomed with a tube of KY jelly at your own risk!
All I require of your humble self is to leave a comment on any of the blogs, email me, write to me, text me, stand outside my house in a stalker-esque manner fashioning a sign. Inspire me with your originality and it shall be done young one!
Finally I understand the only people reading this are often referred to as the skid-marks on the underwear of society however I would just like to say I love you all the same! And I would like to clear something up:
By reading my less than colloquial constructions you could have somewhat of a vivid image of myself. I would like to re-illiterate, despite my continual reference to old people in a sexual way- I...in no way...find old people sexually alluring!
I only say this because I am harbouring subsequent guilt from picking on the grannies and g-diddys of this wonderful country. A pensioner dropped dead in front of me in Tesco’s today...
I felt so sorry for them. They had just bought a Bag for Life!!
Tuesday, 3 March 2009
Come to The Dark Side...We Have Cookies :)
Good afternoon and welcome to the Tuesday night news.
I'm Luke Todd; bringing you the latest news of the days dogging and bondage antics...
Every few years some amazing little fuckwit will invent something that will warrant a 'love explosion' on the face of our glorious queen. Today's marvel that we shall look at in awe with our trousers down our ankles is...caffeine!! Women’s' chins were invented to give something for men to rest their balls on, caffeine on the other hand was invented for...well I’m actually struggling to find a logical reason but fuck it it's goooooooooooooood.
I can firmly say my caffeine addiction it causing somewhat of a concern. If caffeine was a person I would sinisterly stalk it through the dark alleys of the night and be served with a restraining order for fucking its leg majestically.
Perhaps I should book myself into the rehab of el'caffeino, but we all know that fanny is the best rehab centre in the world...even the most violent and hardest pricks comes out soft, humble, reduced in size and a dribbling mess!!
Today I received an email from the homeslices at FRONT magazine who request my presence a week early which to be honest is sounding tempting seeing as I would shove wasps up my own arse than go to sixth form!
1 2 3 4 I declare a thumb war 5 6 7 8 I use this hand to masturbate!
I'm Luke Todd; bringing you the latest news of the days dogging and bondage antics...
Every few years some amazing little fuckwit will invent something that will warrant a 'love explosion' on the face of our glorious queen. Today's marvel that we shall look at in awe with our trousers down our ankles is...caffeine!! Women’s' chins were invented to give something for men to rest their balls on, caffeine on the other hand was invented for...well I’m actually struggling to find a logical reason but fuck it it's goooooooooooooood.
I can firmly say my caffeine addiction it causing somewhat of a concern. If caffeine was a person I would sinisterly stalk it through the dark alleys of the night and be served with a restraining order for fucking its leg majestically.
Perhaps I should book myself into the rehab of el'caffeino, but we all know that fanny is the best rehab centre in the world...even the most violent and hardest pricks comes out soft, humble, reduced in size and a dribbling mess!!
Today I received an email from the homeslices at FRONT magazine who request my presence a week early which to be honest is sounding tempting seeing as I would shove wasps up my own arse than go to sixth form!
1 2 3 4 I declare a thumb war 5 6 7 8 I use this hand to masturbate!
Monday, 2 March 2009
Blogging Erectile Dysfunction?
Having a blog is a lot like having the penis of a 70 year old man...it's hard to keep up!
For some unknown reason, blogspot is having somewhat of a seizure today, a stroke if you will; have you seen the stroke advert on TV? It's fucking hilarious!
Anywho, for some unknown retardation of a reason it keeps crashing every time I click post so therefore today's entry will be as short as an inbreeds stumpy little legs.
Hopefully by tomorrow they will have sorted out their constipation issues (I'm referring to blogspot and not the stumpy inbreeds) and I will be able to grace you with a lengthy composure of random bollocks!
For now...Peace, Love & Aids x
For some unknown reason, blogspot is having somewhat of a seizure today, a stroke if you will; have you seen the stroke advert on TV? It's fucking hilarious!
Anywho, for some unknown retardation of a reason it keeps crashing every time I click post so therefore today's entry will be as short as an inbreeds stumpy little legs.
Hopefully by tomorrow they will have sorted out their constipation issues (I'm referring to blogspot and not the stumpy inbreeds) and I will be able to grace you with a lengthy composure of random bollocks!
For now...Peace, Love & Aids x
Sunday, 1 March 2009
The Triumphant Return of The Artist Formerly Known As...Wanker.
Emulating the likes of Take That, Peter Andre and Jesus; I have begun my long awaited comeback (yes, in the spirit of sheer arrogance I have created my own imaginary fan club complete with stalkers and fat women who throw their [KFC] skid-marked underwear at me).
You must be thinking, 'why?' What is the reason behind this? Firstly let me put it straight that I do not have alteria motives to seduce you into all becoming my sexual minions.
I have however been offered the opportunity to intern at one of the country's most prestigious (well, as prestigious as boobs can get) magazines...FRONT!
Therefore I have decided to blow the cobwebs away from my proverbial pen much like an old man blows the cobwebs away from his proverbial penis by bashing one out over QVC on a Sunday morning.
Eww first profanity of the new launch and if I do say so myself...it was disgusting-wankatory success!
As you all know I have been 'out of action' since November (I'm referring to blogging and not any sexual discrepancies) and as a result it may take me a few posts to get back into the incessant use of taboos that served me oh so well in the past.
I will leave you for today to simmer in the excitement of my return but ask you to ponder the topic of drug abuse.
I personally don't understand it. It's not like I walk into the chemist and start screaming FUCK OFF at the paracetamol! Perhaps your whimsical self can shed some light?
You must be thinking, 'why?' What is the reason behind this? Firstly let me put it straight that I do not have alteria motives to seduce you into all becoming my sexual minions.
I have however been offered the opportunity to intern at one of the country's most prestigious (well, as prestigious as boobs can get) magazines...FRONT!
Therefore I have decided to blow the cobwebs away from my proverbial pen much like an old man blows the cobwebs away from his proverbial penis by bashing one out over QVC on a Sunday morning.
Eww first profanity of the new launch and if I do say so myself...it was disgusting-wankatory success!
As you all know I have been 'out of action' since November (I'm referring to blogging and not any sexual discrepancies) and as a result it may take me a few posts to get back into the incessant use of taboos that served me oh so well in the past.
I will leave you for today to simmer in the excitement of my return but ask you to ponder the topic of drug abuse.
I personally don't understand it. It's not like I walk into the chemist and start screaming FUCK OFF at the paracetamol! Perhaps your whimsical self can shed some light?
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