Unacceptable bollocks!

Ayliffe: "Luke it is not acceptable to show up 2 hours late every day!"
Myself: "Miss it's not acceptable to peel your clothes off a dead fucking clown every day!"

Well my flock; yes you are now all sheep if you don't like it...do one you little prick :), this is indeed the first blog spawn of the splendid mind of one of my readers, a bearded fellow named Maxwell...Jordan Peter Mary Christmas Maxwell to be precise.
Born in Checkslovakia to a Swedish gnome and an Icelandic fish-monger; she knows fuck all but we humour her all the same.

And Jordan's choice of topic is: Anal Retentiveness
No only joking...we'll save that one for a rainy day (Y)

The real topic is EASTHAMPSTEAD CUNT SIXTH FORM; governed by the head cunt herself, filled with the cuntiest cunt cunt's you'll ever meet in your cunting life.

For the people that don't like that word I do apologise...please feel free to fuck off in future.

Now the worst that could happen (apart from a ball renching, penis shrivelling STD) is that Ayliffe stumbles across this page (in which case...Hi...you fucking piss-stained swine!) and proceeds court action...pfttt!
I will persist to call you a cunt no more; you lack the depth and warmth of one of those!
Every encounter I fail to see your purpose in life. I must however say that you emulate the persona of a slinky up most perfectly...you serve little or no purpose, useful for fuck-all...but I can't help but share a cynical smile when I push you down the stairs! :)

Those wanks who call themselves teachers aren't all that swanky either! They treat you like a kid all fucking day then you ask them to shake your cock for you after you've had a piss and they become all melodramatic!

For today I’ve had enough; I think I’ve composed more than enough to warrant several lawsuits on top of the one I received today for GB-fucking-H!
I was only standing at the cash machine when an old decrepit lady came up to me and asked if I could check her balance...so I pushed her over?
What was I supposed to fucking do!?

Rack your brain!

Once again I welcome your seldom self into the world of incessant profanities, overuse of generously proportioned words and the occasional reference to incidence's involving indecent exposure and a bingo hall full of old ladies.

This is, if I am correct [and you know I am], my third post of the new launch. And despite the incessant profanities, overuse of generously proportioned words and the occasional reference to incidence's involving indecent exposure and a bingo hall full of old ladies...topics are running dryer than the vagina of a 90 year old!

Therefore I look to you! My beautiful beautiful readers to remove your hand from your underwear and produce to me an assemblage of subjects, topics or even people you wish for me to write about.
Please be warned when asking me to write about people- I do like to get to know the before I write about them so all requests for me to write about your Nan will be welcomed with a tube of KY jelly at your own risk!

All I require of your humble self is to leave a comment on any of the blogs, email me, write to me, text me, stand outside my house in a stalker-esque manner fashioning a sign. Inspire me with your originality and it shall be done young one!

Finally I understand the only people reading this are often referred to as the skid-marks on the underwear of society however I would just like to say I love you all the same! And I would like to clear something up:
By reading my less than colloquial constructions you could have somewhat of a vivid image of myself. I would like to re-illiterate, despite my continual reference to old people in a sexual way- I...in no way...find old people sexually alluring!

I only say this because I am harbouring subsequent guilt from picking on the grannies and g-diddys of this wonderful country. A pensioner dropped dead in front of me in Tesco’s today...
I felt so sorry for them. They had just bought a Bag for Life!!

Come to The Dark Side...We Have Cookies :)

Good afternoon and welcome to the Tuesday night news.
I'm Luke Todd; bringing you the latest news of the days dogging and bondage antics...

Every few years some amazing little fuckwit will invent something that will warrant a 'love explosion' on the face of our glorious queen. Today's marvel that we shall look at in awe with our trousers down our ankles is...caffeine!! Women’s' chins were invented to give something for men to rest their balls on, caffeine on the other hand was invented for...well I’m actually struggling to find a logical reason but fuck it it's goooooooooooooood.

I can firmly say my caffeine addiction it causing somewhat of a concern. If caffeine was a person I would sinisterly stalk it through the dark alleys of the night and be served with a restraining order for fucking its leg majestically.
Perhaps I should book myself into the rehab of el'caffeino, but we all know that fanny is the best rehab centre in the world...even the most violent and hardest pricks comes out soft, humble, reduced in size and a dribbling mess!!

Today I received an email from the homeslices at FRONT magazine who request my presence a week early which to be honest is sounding tempting seeing as I would shove wasps up my own arse than go to sixth form!

1 2 3 4 I declare a thumb war 5 6 7 8 I use this hand to masturbate!

Blogging Erectile Dysfunction?

Having a blog is a lot like having the penis of a 70 year old man...it's hard to keep up!

For some unknown reason, blogspot is having somewhat of a seizure today, a stroke if you will; have you seen the stroke advert on TV? It's fucking hilarious!
Anywho, for some unknown retardation of a reason it keeps crashing every time I click post so therefore today's entry will be as short as an inbreeds stumpy little legs.
Hopefully by tomorrow they will have sorted out their constipation issues (I'm referring to blogspot and not the stumpy inbreeds) and I will be able to grace you with a lengthy composure of random bollocks!

For now...Peace, Love & Aids x

The Triumphant Return of The Artist Formerly Known As...Wanker.

Emulating the likes of Take That, Peter Andre and Jesus; I have begun my long awaited comeback (yes, in the spirit of sheer arrogance I have created my own imaginary fan club complete with stalkers and fat women who throw their [KFC] skid-marked underwear at me).

You must be thinking, 'why?' What is the reason behind this? Firstly let me put it straight that I do not have alteria motives to seduce you into all becoming my sexual minions.
I have however been offered the opportunity to intern at one of the country's most prestigious (well, as prestigious as boobs can get) magazines...FRONT!
Therefore I have decided to blow the cobwebs away from my proverbial pen much like an old man blows the cobwebs away from his proverbial penis by bashing one out over QVC on a Sunday morning.
Eww first profanity of the new launch and if I do say so myself...it was disgusting-wankatory success!

As you all know I have been 'out of action' since November (I'm referring to blogging and not any sexual discrepancies) and as a result it may take me a few posts to get back into the incessant use of taboos that served me oh so well in the past.

I will leave you for today to simmer in the excitement of my return but ask you to ponder the topic of drug abuse.
I personally don't understand it. It's not like I walk into the chemist and start screaming FUCK OFF at the paracetamol! Perhaps your whimsical self can shed some light?

Tall, Grande or Venti?

"Starbucks is the largest coffeehouse company in the world, with 15,012 stores in 44 countries, Starbucks sells drip brewed coffee, espresso-based hot drinks, other hot and cold drinks, snacks, and items such as mugs and coffee beans."

Taken from the Starbucks website.

"Starbucks is Viagra in a mug and if it doesn't give you a hard on you'll end up leaping over the counter in an attempt to stick your cock in the hot milk machine!"

Taken from the disgusting mind of Luke.

I know I moaned about them the other day for their retardation in regards to the holiday season... but if they shag as good as they make coffee i gotta get me a Starbucks wifey!

The anticipation alone that you’re about to pay for a highly over priced cup of sex it's to much to take it! We'll try to ignore the ugly mono-browed barrister behind the counter...it's not them your thinking about shagging...it’s the Starbucks (and I’m not talking about the saggy-titted Mermaid!)

I don't know what it is about a good Starbucks but it seems to make everything OK!

Perhaps they should invest in Starbucks at funeral parlours?

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"I'm very sorry about your Wife...Frappachino?"

"I must apologise for dropping the coffin...Did you want whipped cream on that?"

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Reminder to all friends: If i ever get run over and end up in a comma on a drip...call starbucks...they know my usual!

Dedicated blogaholic?

Today's blog is going to be short and sweet (much like those odd looking munchinks in the wizard of oz...Only without the sweetness and more odd looking result of years of inbreds going at it like rabbits!)

I almost skipped today's blog as the result of feeling rather shit; however I couldn't bring myself to ruin my current streak so you lucky people get to read more of my crap...

After reading over yesterday's blog I noticed subsequent amounts of swearing therefore today's blog will only contain the floweriest words in the magnificent English Language...Bollocks! I just realised I already said shit a minute ago!) Fuck it...that lasted longer than I thought!

My university application has been delayed yet once again on the count of my personal statement being worthy of toilet paper (mind the paper cuts)! You would have thought with my levels of arrogance I'd be perfect at writing a 4000 character essay about myself but apparently "Me wants to come to ur university coz all da ova unis are shit eds innit!" is in inappropriate choice of words (substitute "shit eds" for 'cunts' and were good to go!)

Unfortunatly that's all i can bring myself to right today. Hopefully tomorrow I'll be feeling better and will be back to my usual, humorous, arrogant cunt of a self :) I'm now about to crawl back into my bed and sleep like a baby (minus the pissing the bed part)!

A warning to all retail staff...

I'm hardly a Scrooge. Nor a Grinch. In fact when it comes to Christmas I'm quite the big kid even to take it as far as to describe myself as somewhat of an Elf. I love the Christmas decorations, the mad Christmas shopping, the yearly songs stored religiously on my Ipod and most of all...wrapping presents and putting them under the tree.... But to all the Shopping Centres, Supermarkets and Starbucks (despite how much I love you)...FUCK OFF!

Excuse me if you fell over, hit your head and woke up in the wrong shitting month?
Despite the ludicrous allegations of verbal abuse piling up against me...it's all lies!
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Starbucks Employee: Hello, would you like to try one of our new Christmas drinks?
Luke: Would you like to FUCK OFF?
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Sainsbury's Cashier: Not doing your Christmas shopping yet then sir?
Luke: No I'm not you silly cunt!
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WHSmiths Employee: Are you aware were doing 3 for 2 on Christmas wrapping paper?
Luke: Are you aware it's fucking November you thick bastard?!
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I couldn't believe my eyes when i walked into Sainsbury's and saw an array of red, gold and green decorations spinning from the ceiling (and as for Christmas uniform? You look like a cock!)
January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November...oh were only in November? Then take of that silly fucking Santa hat you nob!

When the time is right (that's December for all you tits alleging legal action against me) I shall welcome the festive season with open arms. I will prance merrily (in a manly fashion) with glee and joy around all Christmas trees alike. I will offer a warm heartily "Merry Christmas" to all that I greet. But until such glorious time...piss off you twat! :)

Your having a laugh!

Today I'm going to have a little moan. If it isn't bad enough that while I'm casually eating my dinner I have to endure countless adverts about bladder weakness and diarrhea. But recent rumours in the media have arisen that an 71 year old woman is trying to get pregnant (if shes getting some and I ain't then something just ain't right!)
I'm sorry; but at 71 it's not her I feel sorry for, it's the baby!

And not the fact that he or she is going to have an old mum, or that not soon after their mum has stopped wiping their ass and putting them in nappies that they'll be doing the same for her!

It's the fact that for 9 months, every time she goes to sit down and pee, the baby's gonna have to brace itself to avoid bunjee jumping into the toilet by the umbilical cord!

Apparently the woman has never had a child and wants to experience the miracle of birth. She's sort of a cheat really, where as most women go through excruciating amounts of pain; that baby will be out of their like a slip and slide!

Tomorrow marks the beginning of another glorious week at Sixth Form and i am yet to do any of the work set...

I know Sundays the day of rest but...am i taking the piss?

Round 2...

Wow! This is possibly the most dedicated I’ve been to anything...ever...just ask my fish (or one of my ex's)!

All day (well I say all day; I only slumped out of bed at mid-day) I’ve been sorting through old pictures to add to my slideshow; which if I do say so myself is looking rather cool! (Please don't laugh at the bowl-cut pictures...you know you had one at some point!)

My usually creative mind is feeling somewhat blank today, maybe it's because the highlight of my day was finding the toy in the Coco pops box (not so much 'finding' as digging my sticky hand through the boxes content- note to self don't eat the Coco pops!)

I promise to work on my 'blog-timing' a little more so you can actually read the entry before the days over! But for now I’m sure my one and only fan-Mr Marco Ng doesn't mind. If you want to read a less-arrogant blog then please check out his at http://www.marcoka-chunng.co.uk/.

I apologise for the some what...shit blog today; I suppose it's what you get for being lazy. However tomorrow will bring tales of action & adventure as I storm the neighbourhood for danger, criminals, kids stuck down wells and the occasional old lady to walk across the road!

Actually...fuck it; I ain't got any Coco pops!

In the Beginning...

God created Heaven (myself) and Earth (where I usually spend my Saturday nights).

Seeing as this is my first ever blog it should be filled with glorification for the life I lead. A composition of creative tones exonerating the sheer magnitude of....oh fuck it!

This has taken me 17 years, 208 months, 152,212 hours or 6342 days (if you want to be picky) to begin. Some would call it laziness; I call it preparation. 17 years, 208 months, 152,212 hours or 6342 days of meeting some wonderful (and not so wonderful) people, getting drunk, falling in and out of love as well as occasionally falling over (maybe that has something to do with the drunk thing?), making a complete idiot out of myself and topping it off by having a fucking good time whilst doing all of it! All so I can come on here and share my life with the people who were there when I did all of those things? Okay maybe a few randomers will stumble across my page, share a cynical snigger at my expense; only run up to me in the street, point and shout, "WANKER!"

But I suppose if a blog isn't going to completely "wankerfy" the writer then it serves little or no purpose.

You could say I grew up a screw up, you could say I grew up a dashingly handsome specimen of the male species (not that many do), or you could say I haven't grown up at all!

Throughout my blog i will take you on a daily journey. I will show you my life through my eyes and show you just how much of a wanker you really are :)